Pretty much sucks to sit beside you,
because I really want to talk to you,
but I know things will never be the same again,
and our friendship can never be mended,
and we can never be back and as close as we are last time.
Things will change and never be back forever...

Leaving the world

Maybe on one of those day,
I'll just leave the world quietly
With slits and scars on my wrist
With a little diary on how unhappy I am
With no one crying on the day I die
With no one knowing that I left

Fucked

It has been a pretty great year for me at first but I realize, it did not last long. Some things just came crashing down on me and I feel that I can’t take it anymore.

I had been dreading school, and hated learning new things, not in terms of academic but the things around us, and sometimes I wish that I do not find out new things because ignorance is a bliss.

It had been a really tiring week for me. To feign ignorant, to keep a smile on my face, and to convince everyone else that I’m happy but myself. I lived in self-denial, for I did not want to face the truth, for I did not want to get hurt, but I know that I’m already hurt.

It may be easy for others to say “cheer up” but in our hearts, we all know is just a fake smile and the happiness is not genuine.
 

Dear friends

Dear friends,
It's been a really tiring week, or even weeks.
We all know that life is tough, and everyone is struggling
But I am really tired.

Tired of you treating as an replacement,
only looking for me when you need me.
Tired of you treating me like a plastic bag,
throwing all you trash and problems at me,
and dump me aside when I'm "full" of my own problems.
Tired of living in misery everyday,
yet putting on a smile,
convincing everyone else that I'm happy,
but I know I'm not.

Friends...

Friends are never always there for you,
because once they used you, they throw you aside.
Friends are never trustable,
because they always replace you despite saying millions of "I love you".
Friends are never dependant,
because they leave you when you need them most.
Friends are like a knife,
they stab you,
they remain in you,
but yet constantly hurting you,
and leaving you to bleed to death.

Friends.

Spare Tire?

I am not a spare tire
I am not there for you to come and go whenever you feel like it
I am not there to be a substitute when you have no one
I am not for you to throw aside when you found someone else
I am not for you to control
I am not a replacement
So just stop treating me as one

Unloved

The feeling of unloved is really scary. It's like the one you loved, never loved you.

And the ones that claimed to love you treat you like trash.

And those that loved you, took back everything they gave you.

Lies

We all know that lying is bad
But still do it
Because we know its the best for both world

We all know that lying is bad
But we often lie to ourselves
Because we know its the only way to seek comfort

We all know that lying is bad
But we still lie
Because its the only way to get out of the harsh reality

累了

累了
但却为了赶上时代
赶上他人
无法停下脚步
欣赏风景
只能气喘呼呼地往前跑
跑到自己崩溃

失去了自己

 

Tired

Tired of living in this plane where,

Pretty girls say "I'm so ugly"
Smart people say "I'm so stupid"
People with many As says "Why are my results so lousy?"
Skinny girls say "I'm so fat. I need to go on a diet."
Hardworking people say "I'm slacking all day everyday." Seriously man. Just look at me and you'll know the definition of failure in life.

Short, fat, ugly, lazy and stupid girl with lousy results

People need to stop this. Putting down themselves in front of someone worse than them? Like you'll just put people down even more. Thank you for putting me down so much, to the extent that I wonder why I even existed.

Never Important

It's pretty sad how people often say that they treat all their friends equally but we all know that there will always be ranking.
And the sad truth is, I'm always at the rock bottom.

Friend?

I might be a stranger to you now
But I always treated you as friend
Yes, I might have hated you
But anger didn't last
If someone ask
"Do you still take her as friend?"
I would say "Yes" without hesitation
But I know things will never be the same again.

Tried

It was the day
When I lifted up my head
I saw you
I smiled at you
You turned away
And I realized
We weren't friends anymore.

Night

It is late at night
It is the time when thoughts run wild
It is the time when memories haunt you down
It is the time when we finally take off our mask
It is the time when we can cry without getting judged
It is the time when we can escape from he society for a short moment
It is the time, perfect time, to destroy ourselves

Overcame

She had overcame all unhappiness going through in her life.
She looked through all the criticism.
She is starting to feel important to the ones around her.

Even though sometimes people often look for her only when they need them,
She will tell herself, "At least I am useful at times."

Even though sometimes friends betray her,
She will comfort herself, "Well at least I've seen her true colours."


Even though sometimes parents are too busy for her,
She will remind herself, "They are working hard for my future."

Even though sometimes they forgot about her,
She will whisper to herself', "Maybe..."

Happiness

Everyone define "happiness" differently, and I found out that mine is really simple. A small gesture of care and concern, do warm my heart a little; a rewarding result, do boost my confidence a little; a word of encouragement,  do push me a little; a friend in my life do cheer me a little.

All this little and little do add up to alot, and all I wants to say, is that I've already sorted out my life. I'm starting to know what I want, and I'm starting to learn how to be genuinely happy. A little ups and downs in life is unavoidable but we can make the best out of it.

And today is the day where I learnt to cherish what I have and people around me.

在生命的旅程中, 我们常常会遇上许许多多的挫折, 但这只是人生的一小部分。灰暗总会在生命里画上句点,与我们道别。

而快乐就是我们新的开始。知足长乐就是幸福的秘诀。对于一些人而言幸福是短暂的, 但他们也必须了解,难过也是会结束的。在结束后,又是一个快乐的开始。

当我掉入生活谷底时,身旁的人拉了我一把,现在我才能感受到快乐幸福的滋味。

痛苦,永别了。

Friends or end?

Broken friendships
Getting betrayed
Bactstabbers
Left the scars on her forever.

Each time those memories haunt her,
Tears will stream down her cheeks.
Each time those flashbacks appear,
Her heart will die a little
Each time those voices in her head,
will kill her,
will torment her,
till she picks up a blade and slit them through her skin on her wrist.

When she see those scars, memories haunt her yet again.

Dance

16th April,
Our last SYF.

4 years ago, I dreaded every Wednesdays and Fridays,
4 years later, I dread stepping out of the studio.

It was the times, when dancers spent together, dancing, sweating, bleeding and crying.
It was those moments of joy when we got a distinction.
It was the place where I had my closest friends with me.

Drowning

She is sad,
She is broken,
She is dying, slowly

But where are her friends?
Where are they when she needs them the most?
Where are they when she needs a listening ear?
Where are they when she slits her own wrist?

They are just there having fun together,
leaving her out,
forgetting her,
like she'd never existed.

Tired

Sometimes, being tired from life isn't an excuse to escape from it,
It's just reminding herself about all the bullshit she is facing,
with no one there to care and love,
because they can never understand how she felt.

Sometimes, being tired of life will not stop people from judging and insulting her,
it just saddens her more,
and eventually collapse.

Sometimes, being tired of life is also tired of smiling,
wearing those masks facing her friends and family,
until midnight,
when she is alone,
she breaks down,
leaving her pillows damp for the whole night,
and the next morning,
another mask yet again.

She is now the type of girl,
that can be so hurt,
yet still look at you and smile.

Insecurities

The reason why she is feeling insecure, because people often replace her, with someone better, someone funnier, someone smarter, someone prettier.

The reason why she is feeling inferior, because people often take her as a replacement, for their priority isn't there.

She wished to forget,
Convincing herself,
Not everyone is like that,
But memories,
Chose to haunt her forever.

Flawful

Her fingers were stuck while brushing through her dark brown hair, "Just like our friendship" she thought.

Her mental health deteriorates slowly, day by day, even though she puts on a smile on her face everyday, those are the masks she wears covered up her tears and aches.

Her friends forget about her at times, leaving her alone in a quivering mass of humanity, feeling low, yet no one notices it.

Her family loved her, her grandparents showered her with love and care, yet their aging eyes, blurry sights, covered the scars on her wrist, and they never knew, how sad she was.

Her mind, kept her awake the whole night even though she wants to fall asleep and never wake up. Sleeping pills did not work for her anymore, because she is already immune to them.

Her flaws were pointed out, but her beauty never was. She is just hoping someone will tell her "You are doing ___ well." or "You are beautiful" She will be satisfied, by this 1 sentence because no one ever told her that.

Trust

Each time she confide in you
Please understand
Its because she trust you
So do not break her trust
For it breaks her heart too

Broken

Each time she walks by you
The broken friendship and memories drowned her again
She swallowed her tears
And continue walking on
Acting like its nothing
But you have no idea
How much it hurts her.

Why?

She asked herself "What am I working hard for?" because no matter how much she studies, she still failed.

She asked herself "Why am I putting in effort?" because no matter how much she practises, she is still lousy.

She asked herself "Why am I still tolerating her?" because no matter how angry she gets, it never stays long.

She asked herself "Why am I feeling sad?" because she kept things to herself, bottling up her thoughts.

She asked herself "Why? Why can't I be flawless? Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be happy? Why do friends backstab me?" Loads of questions came crashing down on her, yet she kept it to herself, suffocating herself, killing her inner self, giving up on things she shouldn't be.

Meaningless

She took a dose of sleeping pills or so, but she still can't fall asleep
She laid on her bed for hours, many things ran through her mind
She looked at the sky, wondering why isn't she there
She held on to her meaningless life,
but maybe she should die.

Hurt

She misses her genuine smile,
She misses her innocent thoughts,
She misses her carefree childhood,
She misses her past.

Yet she can't be herself again.
Trust destroyed her,
Friendship failed her,
Criticism killed her,
Remarks hurt her.

Slowly

Each criticism fails her a little,
Slowly it accumulates.
Inferiority pricks her a little,
Slowly, it builds up.
Negativity kills her a little,
Slowly, it piles up.
Tears drown her a little,
Slowly, she gets suffocated.
Slowly, she lose herself.
Slowly, slowly,
Unnoticeable by people but herself.
The pain sinks in slowly, slowly
but one day she broke down.

Existence

She wished she didn't exist, for life is too tiring.
People despised her for her scars, for they don't know why.
She wished she wasn't here, for people around her kept judging.
Friends didn't care enough, for they don't notice her puffy eyes.
She wished the doctors didn't save her, for she would be faraway enjoying.
Family didn't love enough, for they don't know how broken she is.
She wished for someone to love and care for her - Truly, for she don't know who is true, who isn't.
She is really tired of guessing, guessing who treats her truthfully for she is afraid of getting hurt again.